Knowing vs. Believing

This one is a personal wall. Let m start out by saying this. I am not writing this to get accolades and thins of that nature. This is simply something I am admitting to more than myself in order that I might work toward knocking this wall down. Now, onto my thoughts of today....

Here is what I know. I need to take care of myself. I should and can work toward feeling good about myself. Confident. Looking and feeling healthy. I know I am worth taking care of. That I should feel confident about who I am, the body I have and working toward feeling as confident in my own skin as I did pre-children. But I am stuck. I try, but get the same plateau every time and can't get any further. Is it that I can't? No way. I don't believe that. There is something deep inside me that is telling me I don't have the time or don't deserve it. I am not sure what that is, but I have to focus on this wall and figure out how to address it so that it can be torn down. I have flashbacks to episodes of The Biggest Looser where Jillian gets in their faces, screams and pierces through that wall. Creates the tiniest pinhole in the wall there it begins to break the strong foundation that has created this obtrusive, undeserving wall. And then that wall just begins to crumble!! As much as I like to think everything would just be better if Jillian Michaels came knocking on my door and began screaming in my face while kicking my butt in the gym, I know that is not true. Although I would love to sit and talk with her one day about her experiences. This is something bigger. Something that only God can see. This is going to require some deep, focused prayer and silence in order to listen for, understand and overcome this wall of "no confidence." This wall of "undeserving." This wall that is so deep I have yet to scratch the surface. When I think of how many wall I have overcome with the help of Christ, How patient my husband has been through all of that, I keep thinking to myself, "this is just another wall. It can come down like the others." The difference with this wall is that I don't know the source of the foundation. I don't know the pain that began building it. The others were not as deep and I knew the basis of those. This one is going to take a lot more work to overcome. I have a feeling it is a pain so deep that I truly don't even know it right now. Something I have erased from my mind altogether. I don't like to bring things like that back to surface. And maybe it isn't so deep. Maybe THAT's why I can't see it. Maybe I am looking too deep! Maybe I am over thinking everything. I would much prefer that avenue. That makes me feel lighter even as I type!

So, this post is a random thought process of where I am in this moment. The bottom line is this: something is holding me back. Something within myself. I am not totally free. There is something, whether great or small, that I have not yet given to Christ. Something I have not laid at the cross. I have a list of excuses a mile long, but the bottom line is nothing is impossible. There are challenges along the way, but we can overcome. My excuses are null and void. Pretty lame as I think about them right now. Excuses that have carried me for about 3 years now. I need to have a "no excuses" approach to taking care of myself and feeling like I have worth as an individual. That I deserve to feel confident in my own skin. And I want to find the Joy in the moment!!! I want to live each day seeing and living the Joy that each day brings, not depressed about how I feel about myself. That only make me feel worse and effects how I react to the girls and my wonderful husband.

So getting off the bench! Or at least figuring out how to get off the bench. Discovering the source and overcoming!! Because of the cross, the victory has already been won. God did not call us to live lives of depression. To live life feeling poorly about yourself. We are created in the image of Him. He created us to love life, love Him and love each other. He has won this victory for me. I just need to believe it. Not just say it and know it, but truly believe it.

What a Night!

Now most times, that would be in reference to a great night! However, our night was not so great. Sweet Abi. She is trying to work her way out of daytime naps. the problem is that she just needs more sleep than that. She is a child who desperately needs a nap during the day. But what can you do? You can't make a child sleep. Even if she goes into her room for nap time, she never sleeps. just plays until Amanda wakes up. On the days Abi actually falls asleep, she will sleep for 2 1/2 to 3 hours! She wears herself out until there is no other option than to pass out. Well, tonight was a night where she just completely collapsed. WOW! We actually wondered where Abi went tonight! Surely this couldn't be our sweet girl.

Well, she was fine through dinner. Then bath time came. Now you know how bath time usually goes if you read the last blog. Tonight was no exception. Although it seemed to be worse. Mark helped out and did the whole bath tonight (he actually does bath time a lot - he's a HUGE help) because I am exhausted from not sleeping well last night and am also feeling like I am coming down with something. Now that I say that, maybe Abi is too! Something for me to now keep in mind. Anyway, 6 o'clock came and she was a mess. Couldn't stop crying, screaming, yelling, talking back.... I am sure you now know where this is going if you read my blog from yesterday. I gave her warnings about talking back and yelling, being disrespectful and then the moment of truth came. Out came the bar of soap. She screamed, "You can't do that because it is so yucky!" I barely got the tip of her tongue and rubbed a tiny bit. I wanted it to be principle, not torture. I wasn't out to coat the entire tongue. Just a taste on the tip. Well what I thought couldn't get worse got worse....

Things started flying all over the bathroom. The toothpaste got thrown across the room, her toothbrush followed suit, I turned on the water and gave her a cup to rinse her mouth out and the cup went flying. I was actually very cal through this part. I quietly explained that I was trying to help her rinse her mouth out. I then put some water in the cup and handed it back to her. The cup of water went across the bathroom! Oh no she didn't!! That is when I lost it. I yelled. I totally lost my cool. Not my proudest moment, and a few moments I will never get back. I hate when I do this! What does yelling solve? Absolutely nothing. GRRRRRR. I am so mad at myself! Then I handed Abi a towel and told her she had to clean up her mess. Then the towel went flying! I handed it back to her and told her to clean her mess and not only did she throw the towel again, she put her hands in the water and "threw" it! She made an even bigger mess. Enter daddy - the calm one who takes her out of the room to calm her down. I also leave so that I can calm down. I think my blood pressure was through the roof. I went and read to Amanda.

When we finished reading a couple of books, we came back out to the family room to see if Abi was ready for bed. Now, mind you, it was 6:34 p.m. when I came out to get her for bed. She was just starting to calm down and when she saw me she lost it all over again. Although it was because she wanted some snuggle time with me. We snuggled (while jealous Amanda also started crying) and talked about what happened, that we were going to brush teeth and then go to bed. Mark this time took Amanda outside to calm her down while I talked to Abi. I am telling you, I don't know what I would do without Mark. He is such a HUGE help and blessing. Mark then finished getting Amanda ready for bed while I helped Abi who started crying and screaming all over again. I put her in bed and traded with Mark. Then I calmed Amanda down while Mark calmed Abi down. Finally, by 6:55 both girls were in bed. So an hour of full our screaming drama.

I so pray that Abi grows out of this no sleeping phase. I have no idea what time she will be awake in the morning, but it is usually early. And she went to bed 45 minutes to an hour early. Only time will tell and we will handle that tomorrow. I just don't know how to help her. It is so hard to see your child going through something and feel so helpless. I know she doesn't mean to be disrespectful. She is seriously the sweetest girl EVER! And let's face it - we all have these times. I had one tonight too! It is all part of learning, and I am reminded tonight that we never stop learning and working to correct our weaknesses. My goal now is to learn to keep my own self control so that I can show my girls a better, more effective way of handling things in life. I need to be able to take the same deep breath that I ask them to do. I need to step out of the way to breathe before I lose it. It is so much example. Sometimes I watch my girls and how they handle something and I think, "Wow! That was really great! I want to be like that." And other time I see it and think, "WOW!! I need to pull myself together and do a better job of reacting/responding." It is all a learning process. i am constantly amazed at how much our children reveal in us. How our faults are brought to surface for all to see. And how God allows us to see them and gives us the opportunity to fine tune and correct. to become a better example of Him. What an honor. And so humbling.

What Was She Thinking?

The other night, we were going through our regular bath time/bedtime routine. The girls were in the tub washed and ready playing. Actually playing together! NICELY! That is a very RARE occasion these days. They love each other and, most of the time, play really well together.... during the day. Then they get to the tub. It is like there is something in the water!!! Really? As soon as their toes touch the water they are fighting, yelling, pinching, hitting, biting..... Really?? I am thinking about giving them separate baths! I digress.... back to the other night.

The other night they were actually playing nicely in the tub! I was in the other room getting pj's and putting a couple of cups in the dishwasher and all of a sudden I hear Abi sounding like she is gagging.... almost throwing up...

I run in panicked and ask, "Are you okay? Abi, talk to me! Are you okay??!?!?"

She starts crying, "It is so yucky! I can't get it out! Wash it!!!"

Me: "Wash what? What happened??!?"

Abi: "Mommy!!!! Help me!!"

Me: "Help with what? What happened??!?"

Now Amanda is watching our conversation like an intense tennis match. Not saying a word. Taking it all in, although SHE knew exactly what happened. Not helping her sister out at all.

Then I look at what Abi is holding in her far hand:

No folks, this is NOT a dental mold. Abi took a bite out of a bar of soap!! I quickly asked, "Where is the other piece?!" 1 - because I wondered if she had actually eaten it (I mean she was crazy enough to take the bite) and 2 - I didn't want Amanda to eat it. this is what Abi pulled out of the water:

So the obvious question comes spewing out of my mouth without a thought, "What were you doing?!? What were you thinking?!?" And yes, I know I probably could have been a little more calm and sympathetic, but I am still trying to recover from thinking she is choking, sick or something is REALLY wrong!

Abi's answer, while still whimpering: "Well, I was pretending it was candy and pretending to take a bite."

Me: "Pretending to take a bite? Normally pretending doesn't actually involve taking the bite." I am still shocked and now I am wondering how she could have gone through the whole thing before figuring out how gross it really was.

Abi: "It was an accident."

Me, trying not to laugh: "I know, honey. Are you okay? "

Abi: "Yes, but I want to get out. And I can't get it out of my mouth. It is so yucky!" She ends crying again.

Me, sympathy kicking in full speed ahead now: "Okay. Let me wipe your tongue off with a cloth and we'll get out and get dressed." And that is what we did.

Now that everyone is okay, happy and recovered, a parenting moment. See, we have had a horrible time with Abi talking back, being very disrespectful in speech toward others, mostly mommy and daddy... you see where this is going. Here is what I talked to Abi about after we had all recovered and I was brushing her golden locks:

Me: "Abi, I am so glad that you are okay. How did that soap taste?"

Abi: "Mommy, I didn't like it AT ALL."

Me: "I am so sorry that happened. But you remember the taste?"

Abi: "Yes."

Me, very calmly: "Well, I don't want you to forget that taste and here's why. If you continue talking back to mommy and daddy and speaking disrespectfully toward mommy and daddy, I am going to wash your tongue with that bar of soap."

Abi: "Mommy, you can't do that."

Me: "Why not?"

Abi: "Because it is too yucky!"

Me: "Well, maybe you will think before you speak and take a breath first in order to be respectful."

Abi: "Okay, Mommy."

A breakthrough moment! She has been SOOO much better! And as soon as she says something she shouldn't, she looks at me and says, "Oops. I'm sorry I said that mommy" or "I mean ......." So, purpose in everything. A silver lining with the bite of soap. Still can't believe it, but I am now thankful :-)

My Computer Is Back!!!

I have so much to write! And some pictures to upload. I have not had my computer for about a week, so I will be sure to post lots this week! Assuming I have it all week. I am sharing it with my awesome hubby and when he needs it for work or trips, I have to postpone my posts. I will get the pictures off the camera and be back tomorrow (I hope!).

It's good to be back :-)

Seven Years Ago, Today

Here is what I posted on The Knot 7 years ago so that everyone could get the details of our big day.... and what led to it:

MARCH 30, 2003

Newlyweds for 2557 days!ABOUT CARRIECarrie Blackmer - a girl from Skaneateles, NY who left to investigate the south a bit. She traveled to Nashville to go to school and loved it so much that she spent 8 years of her life there. It was in this time that she really began to grow in the Lord and really understand what it meant to have a relationship with our Lord, Jesus Christ. She was challenged in many ways, one major area being that of trust. Trusting people, trusting the Lord's timing... just plain trusting the Lord in every area of her life. In this time, the Lord proved to be the ultimate provider, comforter, faithful friend and yet continued to challenge her. How amazing that the Lord loves us so much that He will continue to challenge us so we can grow continually close to Him, trusting Him with every move we make. We serve an amazing God and what an honor it is to be called for such a time as this!! Carrie felt many doors closing in Nashville and felt the Lord may be preparing her for another move. She was prepared to go anywhere... except New York, that is. When she finally let go and agreed to go to New york if that is where the Lord would have her go, guess what?!? That is exactly where the Lord wanted her to go. So she packed her bags, left her belongings in storage and drove to New York. It was a struggle. The economy there is very poor and finding work was close to impossible. However, the Lord is good! As much as she disliked it, she was blessed with a job working retail at the mall. While there, another job just kind of fell into her lap. There was a festival in the works there in Syracuse, and it turns out they were in need of some office help. Carrie was given the honor of working at Syracuse Festival with Luis Palau (beginning in April) for about 5 months which finished out the festival. There were about 75K people in Clinton Square over 2 days and hundreds of people made decisions for the Lord! What an amazing experience that was! During that time, Carrie had the privilege of traveling to Myrtle Beach for the festival that was happening there. These festivals happen all over the world, with 2-3 in the states each year. when she flew in to Myrtle Beach, Mark Johnson was assigned to pick me up at the airport....ABOUT MARKMark Johnson was born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Over the past few years he has been active in Campus Crusade for Christ and Athletes in Action, traveling all over the world spreading the good news of Jesus Christ! Each time he left Florida he was ready to go, but also ready to come back to his old stomping grounds. A little over a year ago, he was called back to the area to work at Beachfest with Luis Palau. He has been working at Beachfest as a Church Relations Coordinator for the festival. He began working at Beachfest in March of 2002. He traveled to Myrtle Beach to experience a festival in process. He was scheduled to pick Carrie up at the airport when she flew in....HOW WE METSo the airport in Myrtle Beach is where the happy couple met. It turns out that, although they were only there a short period of time, they were scheduled to work the entire weekend together. They worked together, ate together, had great conversation and enjoyed each others company. All of a sudden both went in different directions, realizing how much time they had been spending together. They always seemed to end up back in the same place, however. At the end of the festival, both went to their respective cities and continued on with life as they knew it. A couple of weeks later, Carrie received an e-mail from Mark. It was very nice, cordial, and very unexpected. Then she got a call on her birthday! How in the world had he remembered her birthday?!? Carrie was caught off guard, but still not grasping what all was going on. Mark, as he says it, did cartwheels, back flips, you name it! It took Carrie a while to notice. Carrie made a trip to Florida in October for a football game (Canes vs. FSU), and on the way home she really realized that this was a special guy. Ever since then, she knew there was something special there. She was still struggling with her walls and they went up almost as soon as they came down. But as Mark continued to challenge her, she became more and more comfortable and they began to slowly come down and staying down. Mark came to New York for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the day after Christmas he drove Carrie down to Fort Lauderdale to work at the festival there...WHEN WE GOT ENGAGED March 28, 2003HOW IT HAPPENEDMark caught Carrie totally off guard for the engagement. He talked someone at the office into letting me go early on Friday, even though we were in crunch time for getting the data entry in. The Lord is good and we were able to get it 90% done and they told Carrie to go home and enjoy the weekend. Knowing better than to ask twice, she said thanks and left. They went to Target to run some errands and then Mark asked if she wanted to go to dinner. Since they hadn't been in such a long time, she agreed. That would be a nice finish to a long couple of weeks. He asked how Houston's on the water sounded and she thought that would be great! So they went to Carrie's house so she could change, went to Mark's so he could change, and then they went to the beach to just relax a bit before dinner. Then they drove to Houston's, walked in, and they said it would be a few minutes. Carrie went to the restroom without thinking about the fact that Houston's doesn't take reservations and it was Friday night. There was apparently a 2 hour wait and by the time Carrie got back, Mark had already been seated... at the best table on the deck! Carrie, still clueless, was excited about ordering because she was starving! When she sat down, Mark said that he really wanted chocolate, so they would have to save room for dessert. She laughed and said okay. When their appetizer came out they ate that, and then Mark moved the chips and said, "I am going to move these so we don't keep eating them. I want to make sure we have room for dessert... I really want chocolate!" Although she had never seen Mark that excited about chocolate, she was still clueless. As they continued talking, he told Carrie that he had tried to get in touch with her mom, but was not able to do so. This was the one "old fashioned" piece Carrie had always wanted. the man she was to marry would ask her mom's permission. He picked up the phone and tried again right at the table. She answered the phone!! When Mark asked, Carrie saw him start to tear and she KNEW that her mom was crying on the other end. Was a sweet and special moment. Then half way through dinner Mark says, "I think I am going to have her box the rest of this because I want to make sure I have room for dessert." The waitress came out to clear the table and said, "can I interest you in any dessert? We have a wonderful brownie sundae with vanilla ice cream, caramel sauce on top, key lime pie, anything?" Mark just looked at me. I mean the boy DID want chocolate, so why was he all of a sudden quiet? Still clueless I said, "Well he really wants chocolate, so we'll have the brownie." She said she'd be right out with it. She came out, placed it between them, and reached around Carrie to grab her glass to refill it, or so she thought. It turns out it was the camera she grabbed. Mark has his camera everywhere, so that was nothing new. Before the dessert had come out, Mark had moved the candle in front of the post and had rearranged some things on the table. That was nothing new for him either. Carrie took a bite of the sundae, while Mark took a little tiny bit of the VANILLA ice cream. She looked at him and said, "Are you going to eat the chocolate you have been so excited about?" His response was yes, yet he continued to eat the vanilla ice cream. As he pulled the spoon over the top of the ice cream, she saw something poking out. She said, "Mark, what are you doing!?" He pulled out the ring, sucked all the ice cream off it, got down on one knee, and proposed. He said, "Carrie Louise Blackmer, I have waited a long time for this. I want you to be by my side, to share my life, to serve the Lord together........ will you marry me?" (Yes there was much more in there and it was beautiful, but Carrie can't remember it all now. She was crying and in shock!) Carrie said yes and the camera began flashing. Carrie was crying, Mark was crying, some of the wait staff was crying.... Behind her she could hear the wait staff lined up at the bar and clapping. Then they brought out a dozen red roses which he had someone bring earlier in the day. Okay, here is how he set it up... Mark called a friend and asked him to pick up the roses, go down to Houston's tell them what was going to happen and have them save a table right on the water. They agreed to do it, and when Mark and Carrie got there and Carrie went to the restroom, Mark asked who would be waiting on them and gave the girl the ring to put n the dessert. They were instructed to bring out the roses after the proposal. What a thoughtful guy! :o)WHEN & WHERE March 30, 2003
Fort Lauderdale, FLABOUT THE BIG DAYThey had planned to do a little ceremony on the beach at sunrise on March 30, 2003. Yes, it was a planned elope. They didn't tell their families because they knew that Carrie's family would not be able to make it. So, they had the pastor, a video guy, a camera guy and her roommate. It was absolutely perfect! After planning a huge festival which had taken place the weekend before, the last thing they wanted to do was plan another event. They began pulling things together on the Tuesday before they were to get married. Carrie found her dress in about 5 minutes during her lunch hour!!! Totally the Lord. They were going to go get the marriage license on Friday, but Mark felt they should go on Thursday instead. They went to get their marriage license on Thursday, and found there was a three day wait in the state of Florida. The license said that they could get married on March 30, 2003 or later! Another God moment. Praise the Lord for His guidance! Friday morning Carrie went next door to the office in search of peach roses. They had every color but peach, but he said he could have them that afternoon. He asked how many and she told him she was getting married on Sunday morning. He asked if she needed a bouquet and she said yes, but nothing big because everything about the ceremony is simple. He said he would have it by noon the next day, complete with a boutonniere. It was beautiful!!! Carrie went off to get her nails and toes done and her roommate popped in and paid for it! And brought a little gift too. Then came the ceremony on Sunday morning at sunrise.... 6:30 a.m. Everything was perfect and the sunrise matched the flowers! Another God moment! After the ceremony they changed, went to church, had communion, went to his parents' house and told them, went to his little sister's house for a baby shower, told the rest of the family there and then headed out of town. They went to Orlando for a few days.... God totally prepared the way for that as well. 4 days/3 nights at an upgraded condo for $99, discounted tickets to a Cirque show, year passes to Sea World for less than a day's ticket...... Great deals everywhere!! Now the happy couple currently resides in Plantation, Florida and are seeking the Lord's direction as to new career paths.
Here is an update, 7 years later (but I am going to write it in the first person)....
About a year after being married, we relocated to Chicago where we worked for a few years at the same church. Our offices were right next to each other. During our time in Chicago, we were blessed with two beautiful girls, Abigail (now 3 1/2) and Amanda (now almost 2). Five weeks after Amanda was born, we relocated back to the south Florida area where Mark began getting ready to launch his our company. We are enjoying the sunny south and the girls are loving the fact that they can be outdoors almost every day of the year. Today, 7 years after the big day, it is breezy and in the mid 70's. Not a cloud in the sky. Abigail wrote her first letter by herself without any prompting (the letter A) and she was SOOO excited! She wrote it and screamed, "Mommy! I wrote the letter A!!!" And she sure did. She also learned how to actually pedal her tricycle by herself! Her legs are finally long enough to reach the pedals. Amanda is a little ham and continues to keep us laughing, along with antagonizing her big sister. What a joy to have them. We feel so blessed as God continues to provide and guide our every move. I am so very blessed to be able to share this life with Mark and the girls!!

Days of Discovery

Do you ever have days when you realize that what you are pursuing might not actually be the direction in which you should be going? Just when I figure something out and move toward it, BAM!!! There is another wall, followed by another wall, and another...... only to then see something in that same vein done so very well. Much better than I could have ever done.

Then comes the next question - do I break the wall down and keep going? or is it time to move in another direction. Is this wall placed there as a piece of the maze to lead me to another outlet? Or is it placed there as a means to take a "moment" to polish up, refine and challenge what I thought I knew?

As I process and pray through that, more questions arise. Confusion begins to cloud everything. Here is the crucial moment where I have a decision to make. I can let defeat (confusion) take over and sink into the desert, or I can make the most out of this call to prayer and really lean into what God is asking of me. I have so often fallen into the "defeat" category and because of this, have lost sight of who I have been created to be and do. Including doubting whether I am fit to be a full time mom. Those doubts are gone. God has created me with a purpose. He has blessed me beyond belief. He has given me two precious little girls to care for and teach the ways in which they should go. So in this moment of uncertainty in knowing which way to turn, I choose to look up. To take this opportunity to fine tune the gifts I have been given. To follow a path that was only intended for me. To understand that there is purpose and to take that and grow. To blossom into the beautiful creation I have been created to be.

Throughout this current process, I have discovered that I have the gift of intercession. I have discovered that I am really good at seeing things in people and giving them ideas of how/what to create or do..... to see their giftings. I am good at looking at something and being able to point out strong points and areas of improvement. Consulting? Something that had never crossed my mind until today. I would love to meet people, talk with them, get to know them and help them find outlets.... or make improvements on what they already have. Does it make me nervous to put this out there? Absolutely! I have no real experience in this area. However, it is something I would like to work toward and see what happens. That and a bunch of other things :-) Here is the bottom line - I AM OPEN! Open and willing.

What I am most thankful for is a God who knows me and understands me. Who is so very patient with me as I seek Him to discover all He has in store for me. The plans He has had for me all along. I am thankful for his arms around me (yes, I feel them now), His gentle whispers of encouragement and love, His listening ear and His unconditional love. How blessed I am!!!!

Rats!

Not to be confused with "aw nuts" or "bummer." I mean real rats! Apparently we had some vacationers in the attic, but one must have fallen into the wall or vent. Our bedroom stinks!! Traps were set and another rat was caught, but no way to find the stinky one. We have tried everything possible to get the stench out of the room, but it continues to permeate the entire room. And it continues to get stronger and stronger.

The other day, the first day we noticed it, I was in the room spraying Lysol Neutra Air and Abi came in:

Abi - "Mommy, whatcha doin'?"

Me - "it is stinky in here and I am trying to see if this will help."

Abi - "Oh. Okay."

Then Abi runs out to Mark:

Abi - "Daddy, mommy is spraying the room because it is stinky. She sprayed me too. I think she thinks I am stinky!"

Too funny! And just for the record I didn't spray her, but I think she ran through some of the spray as it fell to the ground.

Do you ever get a smell stuck in your nose and even when you go outdoors in the fresh air, it doesn't leave? That is now what is happening to me. I think I smell like it too! Although it doesn't actually seem to be in my clothes or anything. Yes, I smell them often..... and all day long. Just checking!

Okay, so there is always a silver lining, right? Here is this one. It is ONLY in our room. Sure you can smell it in the hallway when you walk past, but it really is just that room. It could have been the entire house, so we can be thankful for the one-room isolation! Lucky us! LOL!

MOCKINGBIRD UPDATE: The mockingbird has been quieter. Doesn't start it really loud noises until about 3 am or so. It has also been raining during the night, so that may keep him in too. Whatever the scenario, I am thankful to have gotten a little more sleep.

Happy singing, tweeting and smelling!