Knowing vs. Believing

This one is a personal wall. Let m start out by saying this. I am not writing this to get accolades and thins of that nature. This is simply something I am admitting to more than myself in order that I might work toward knocking this wall down. Now, onto my thoughts of today....

Here is what I know. I need to take care of myself. I should and can work toward feeling good about myself. Confident. Looking and feeling healthy. I know I am worth taking care of. That I should feel confident about who I am, the body I have and working toward feeling as confident in my own skin as I did pre-children. But I am stuck. I try, but get the same plateau every time and can't get any further. Is it that I can't? No way. I don't believe that. There is something deep inside me that is telling me I don't have the time or don't deserve it. I am not sure what that is, but I have to focus on this wall and figure out how to address it so that it can be torn down. I have flashbacks to episodes of The Biggest Looser where Jillian gets in their faces, screams and pierces through that wall. Creates the tiniest pinhole in the wall there it begins to break the strong foundation that has created this obtrusive, undeserving wall. And then that wall just begins to crumble!! As much as I like to think everything would just be better if Jillian Michaels came knocking on my door and began screaming in my face while kicking my butt in the gym, I know that is not true. Although I would love to sit and talk with her one day about her experiences. This is something bigger. Something that only God can see. This is going to require some deep, focused prayer and silence in order to listen for, understand and overcome this wall of "no confidence." This wall of "undeserving." This wall that is so deep I have yet to scratch the surface. When I think of how many wall I have overcome with the help of Christ, How patient my husband has been through all of that, I keep thinking to myself, "this is just another wall. It can come down like the others." The difference with this wall is that I don't know the source of the foundation. I don't know the pain that began building it. The others were not as deep and I knew the basis of those. This one is going to take a lot more work to overcome. I have a feeling it is a pain so deep that I truly don't even know it right now. Something I have erased from my mind altogether. I don't like to bring things like that back to surface. And maybe it isn't so deep. Maybe THAT's why I can't see it. Maybe I am looking too deep! Maybe I am over thinking everything. I would much prefer that avenue. That makes me feel lighter even as I type!

So, this post is a random thought process of where I am in this moment. The bottom line is this: something is holding me back. Something within myself. I am not totally free. There is something, whether great or small, that I have not yet given to Christ. Something I have not laid at the cross. I have a list of excuses a mile long, but the bottom line is nothing is impossible. There are challenges along the way, but we can overcome. My excuses are null and void. Pretty lame as I think about them right now. Excuses that have carried me for about 3 years now. I need to have a "no excuses" approach to taking care of myself and feeling like I have worth as an individual. That I deserve to feel confident in my own skin. And I want to find the Joy in the moment!!! I want to live each day seeing and living the Joy that each day brings, not depressed about how I feel about myself. That only make me feel worse and effects how I react to the girls and my wonderful husband.

So getting off the bench! Or at least figuring out how to get off the bench. Discovering the source and overcoming!! Because of the cross, the victory has already been won. God did not call us to live lives of depression. To live life feeling poorly about yourself. We are created in the image of Him. He created us to love life, love Him and love each other. He has won this victory for me. I just need to believe it. Not just say it and know it, but truly believe it.